What is envy? Mortal sin or personal growth catalyst? Psychologist David Ludden talks about how envy can be, and advises how to behave if you envy someone.
You are waiting for an increase from day to day. You have done so many things to achieve the goal: you fulfilled all the boss recommendations and improved everything that could be improved in their work, delayed in the office until late and came to work at the weekend. And then a vacancy for a leading position has opened. You are sure that you will appoint you - there is no one else.
But the boss suddenly announces that he decided to appoint a brand, your young colleague for this position. Well, of course, this Mark always looks like a Hollywood star, and his tongue is suspended. Like him, anyone fascinates. But he came to the company more recently and worked far from as hard as you. You deserve an increase, not it.
You are not only disappointed due to the fact that you were not appointed to a leading position, but experience a strong hostility for the brand, which you did not suspect before. You are outraged by the fact that he received what you dreamed about for so long. And you begin to tell colleagues unpleasant things about the brand and dream about how to throw it off the pedestal for days, instead of working.
Where the envy comes from?
Envy is a complex social emotion. It begins with the realization that someone has something valuable that you do not have. This awareness is accompanied by a painful and unpleasant feeling.
From an evolutionary point of view, it provides us with information about our social status and stimulates to improve this situation. Even some animals are able to experience primary envy of those who succeed more.
But envy has a dark side. Instead of focusing on achieving the desired, we are thinking about what we lack, and are offended by those who have it. Envy is doubly harmful, because it makes us not only think about ourselves badly, but also to experience unkind feelings for people who have made us nothing bad.
Harmful and useful envy
Traditionally, envy was regarded by religious leaders, philosophers and psychologists as an unconditional evil, who must be fought to complete deliverance. But in recent years, psychologists began to talk about her bright side. She is a powerful motivator of personal changes. Such “useful” envy contrasts with harmful, motivating to harm the one who has surpassed us in anything.
When Mark received the position that you dreamed about, it is quite natural that at first you were killed by envy. But then you can behave differently. You can succumb to "harmful" envy and think about how to put the brand in place. But you can use useful envy and work on yourself. For example, take the methods and techniques with which he achieved the goal.
Perhaps you need to become less serious and adopt his cheerful and friendly manner of communication with a more successful colleague. Pay attention to how it prioritizes. He knows what tasks can be performed quickly, and which requires a complete return. This approach allows him to keep up with everything that is necessary during working hours and stay in a good mood.
Psychologists argue a lot about the adequacy of division of envy into harmful and useful. Psychologists Yochi Cohen Cheresh and Eliot Larson say that the division of envy into two types does not clarify
anything, and even more confuses everything. They believe that their colleagues, who speak of harmful and useful envy, confuse the emotion with the behavior that this emotion provokes.
What are emotions for?
Emotions are special experiences, feelings that arise in certain conditions. They have two functions:
Firstly, They quickly supply us with information about current circumstances, for example, about the presence of a threat or possibilities. Strange noise or unexpected movement can signal the presence of a predator or some other danger. These signals become triggers of fear. In the same way, we experience excitement in the presence of an attractive person or when delicious food is nearby.
Secondly, Emotions guide our behavior. When we experience fear, we take certain actions to protect ourselves. When happy, we are looking for new opportunities and expand the circle of communication. When we are sad, we avoid communication and retire to achieve mental balance.
